Opinion

“Morning Dave, Morning Dave, Morning Babe, Morning Love”

Somewhere in a swanky docklands apartment
The end of season review
KB Morning Dave, Morning Dave.
DS Morning Babe.
DG Morning Love.
KB Put the kettle on Dave I could murder a coffee.
DG No Dave, the boy!!
DS Jr God!! It’s always me, Dad why is she always picking on me? Dad tell her will you?
DS Put the bloody Xbox away and make the tea…..
DS Jr God!!
DS Ssshhh or no new Merc…..
DS Jr Sugar Lady B?
DG There’s a good boy, here’s a drink for you from me. Why don’t you and your mates go and have a Nando’s.
DS Jr Wow!! Twenty pounds thank you Uncle Gee.
KB Right gentleman let’s get down to business. Let’s start with the table eh?
DG Non-mover 460 million.
DS Me too 1.1 billion
KB No boys the league table?
DG Ahh yes. Not bad 13th, lucky for some.
DS We only spent 7 large, I’m happy with that.
KB Result. Cheers all round. We got rid of a bit of dead wood. We got any loans lined up?
DS I’ll have my eyes peeled during The World Cup.
DG What about the fans?
DS The fans will be sweet. Dave put a tweet out that we’ve put a bid in for Messi and Klopp’s our number one choice Benitez our plan B.
DG You sure bruv?
KB Just do it.
DG Will do babe.
DS Right, what shall we do with Moysie?
KB Well I ain’t gonna tell him, I done Bilic.
DG Did you? Good gurl……….
KB No!! I showed him the door
DG Well I’m not, I’m bricking it for when Snodders comes back.
DS Can’t we sell him so he doesn’t have to come back.
KB I’m happy with that. That’ll be a few bob in. Kerching!!
DG What about the fans?
KB How many times, customers. They’re customers.
DG Sorry Love.
DS Who we got lined up on the pitch? Who were we looking at a few years back? Bony, Benteke available? Where’s Tony Henry? Get him on it!!
KB Africa!!
DG Africa? Oh yes Africa. Any boy wonders, anything on loan? Non-League?
DS What about Toni Duggan, I keep hearing that name.
KB He’s a she!!
DG Wow, Kal think of the LGBT community. The first one of those to play for us. Rainbow shirts, flags and glitter. We’ll make a bloody killing.
KB No, Dave she’s an actual woman, she’s just signed for Barcelona.
DS Balls.
DG No Balls!!!
KB Gentleman!!
DG What we gonna do with Ginge?
DS Lovely bird only 20, centre page, she’s a classy sort. She won’t go naked keeps her suspenders on.
KB No Ginge, Pele?
DG Pele? I thought he’d retired. Offer him a performance-related contract and we get 90% on all the shirts.
DS No, Collins.
DG He ain’t ginger beer is he? I can see flags, shirts and glitter………
KB I give up!! Shall we give him another year?
DG How much?
KB Don’t we own him?
DS Can we keep him on a loan? Sell him to Plymouth and then we get him back on loan. Simples Bruv.
DG Looks like they’re biting on Twitter.
KB Say we’ve a 200 million war chest.
DS Benitez just liked that tweet bruv!!
DG Your boy just retweeted it and so have Sky Football.
KB Arse Wengers just unfollowed me.
DS See, told ya.
DG What about the World Cup? Anything cheap playing out there?
DS Well I ain’t going, have you seen some of those thugs. They look a bit tasty.
KB You’d obviously fled the box against Burnley then?
DG What did I say about Burnley?
DS Yeah Kal, wind ya bloody neck in, I don’t gob off about your Sun column.
DG Or The Apprentice.
KB Okay, sorry what shall we do regarding the manager the players, the stadium?
DS Nothing, Zilch they’re a funny old mob our supporters. Feed em a bit of bull they’ll lap it up.
DG Well they all fancy Messi and Benitez is pissing it in the polls.
KB When should I contact Pards?
DG Just before the boys come back for preseason. He’ll want his own players. Let’s spin it on unfinished business. We’ll get Ray Winston to do the voice over.
KB Rays a bloody fortune.
DS I’ll sort it. He can play a gangster in my new movie.
DG Nice touch bruv.
DS Fam.
KB So no Moyes, No Benitez and no Messi.
DG No. Let’s spin it on back to basics, make this Hugill fella the face for the kit launch.
DS Brilliant Bruv.
KB Excellent!! Kits….. Kerching!!!
DG How many we doing this year? I loved that one the fella had in our box the on Sunday. Is that retro?
DS No that was a Manchester United one.
KB Fergie. I’ve had a thought can we get Fergie?
DG Unlikely, he’s boy will be cheap though.
KB What about Pards?
DS I like Pards. Cheap!!
DG Me too. All those in favour of Pards say I.
DS Hold up, looks like it’s a no from Pards, I’m a celebrity have got him lined up.
KB Can’t we get him and sack him in November?
DG Tempting……….
DS Alright. Let’s wind this up shall we? Hughill the face, no one in a few out. No new manager.
KB What about Director of Football?
DS I’ll do it.
DG Fam.
KB What about the fans?
DS I’ll get my boy as supporter liaison director.
DG Can we get him on an internship?
KB Good idea. He’ll be minimum wage.
Kerching!!! Okay. See you in September.
DS August.
KB No, filming commitments.
DG Okey dokey. Great season. Let’s do it again next year but better.
DS Europe here we come!!
KB Wow does that mean we’re going for Benitez?
DS No Kal, got the G5 at the city airport. Off to Amsterdam with the boy. Like father like son and all that.
DG Don’t do anything I can’t remember to do!!
KB Boys………
Shortly after…… A source from within the club suggests that West Ham are in pole position to announce their new manager. They will be armed with a 200 million transfer fund.
The source quotes “West Ham are ready to splash the cash when the transfer window opens ain’t that right Dad? Dad I think I’ve hit the wrong button. Dad………”.